Oh baby Jack- I can't believe the emotions I feel as I am so excited to meet Charlie and know him and see him become a normal part of our landscape and at the same time feel torn about you losing your only child spot where your dad and I dote on you constantly and obsess over how nothing God ever made has been better than you. No longer will we be able to say you are the absolute cutest baby we've ever seen (unless you are ugly baby Charlie) and no longer will we be able to focus just on you. I have so many emotions!!! I had a dream the other night where I pictured the moment that you walk into the hospital room and there he is and there I am holding him and there you are. And oh- it fills me with joy and rips my heart out at the same time! I am so thankful now that you'll be so close together because someday you won't remember life without him and you won't be sad about losing your spot as only child. I feel fairly certain the next time I get a chance to write here will be from the hospital or even when we are already home. So just know this- the last 20 months has been the best of my life- you have been a great baby boy and teacher of how to be a new mom. The best mum lessons I have learned have been those designed just by you- and you being exactly the first child God planned for me. I am so thankful for what you've taught me and so excited to use the skills you've shown me with this new perfect life and second chance to be a mom that I've been given. Most of the things that are going to go easier for Charlie are because of you. Thank you. And also thank you for saying so many words but more than anything for saying "mama" so often- it absolutely melts me. This is you and me this past week as I get bigger and bigger- Charlie should be here any day now OR next Tuesday at a scheduled c-section. Hopefully the latter so the plan we have made with all four grandparents falls nicely into place. Charlie- stay in there! It will be good for your lungs and digestive system!
Happy New Year boys!
The main thing I thought of this New Year is how excited I am to see the miracles that God is going to work in our life this year. I know He has brought us through this tough time to rely on Him and know that He's in charge, and can only do His work with our full attention. And people ( umm-- me and your dad) are generally so selfish that we have a hard time remembering to give Him our full attention if everything is going perfect. So- to New Years-it's a reminder that God gives a chance to start fresh every single day if we need to. Every day is a chance to say- I am going to find His path for me even though I missed it yesterday. Celebrating a new year every year gives a larger picture frame to say- we can start fresh and measure what God has done this past year- would He bring us this far through so many things to not continue to show us miracles? The pastor tonight was talking about how sad it was that the Israelites did not get to go into the promised land because they said- "Lord we can't- there is too much standing against us." He said- "you're right folks- if you don't realize Who is standing with you- then there definitely is too much standing against you." So, only Joshua and Caleb got to go because they said- not only can we do it- we should do it NOW! And all the rest people were too afraid. They complained and had a pity party. I am famous for those right now when it comes to not being able to stop working and stay home.
I hope that this year, your dad and I will learn to not be afraid, stop having repeat pity parties, learn Who is standing with us and go NOW into the promised land that He's prepared for us.
We just have to figure out where the land is- minor detail.
Next stop- Mission hospital- I love you both so much!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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