feeling lost

Hi there-

Today is a rough day for me. I am going back to work tomorrow after a wild, wonderful, tiring, and triumphant 9 weeks. I feel like I am a different person than I was the last time that I was at work. I really don't know what is going to happen tomorrow. I don't know if I am going to enjoy being showered and getting alot done or if I am going to cry uncontrollably because I miss you and give my 6 week notice. I am so excited for your dad I can't even tell you. He has fallen in love with you and is so excited about all the fun he is going to have with you over the next 6 weeks. It feels so good to know that you will be with him and he gets to see the smiles that I have been seeing. He will also get to be with you while you learn that your hands are yours, while you learn to consistently pull your head up while laying on your tummy and so many more things we don't know yet. I am glad and blessed that I have a job that I love to go back to so that I can at least be distracted from all the moments that I am not staring at your face. I am sure you will think this is strange when you read this someday but I really could stare at your face all day long and not be even mildly bored. I hope that God will be give me some peace about the fact that this decision to keep working instead of live off of savings is the right one and that you will ultimately benefit more from this decision than not.

Also, today is sad for another reason. Right now, another mom-- your grammy Kip-- is at the hospital in Flagstaff with her baby-- your Uncle James. He was in an accident this morning. He was in a cave, after rock climbing with friends and he fell from a ladder and landed on the ground on his head, rendering him unconscious. He has fractured part of his skull and has been in and out all day. He had been drinking and did not make a good decision to be out in the middle of the night where he was. Luckily, his friends knew to not move him and he was rescued by helicopter and taken to the hospital. Obviously, the bad decisions do not detract at all from the concern- my mom called me and started the call with, " I have some bad news, your brother has been in a bad accident." I don't remember too much of the next hour after that myself and I did not hit my head on anything. I love my brothers sooooo much and feel that God has alot of work left to do in their lives. All three of your uncles do not currently believe in God. I pray for them every single day that they will know God's love and I consistently " caution" God that I need him to keep them safe until they can come around to remembering what they learned as children. I know it is not up to me but I pray with expectancy that God will come through for me. I do not know if they will return to a belief in God in their lifetimes, but I love them enough to pray for it every day. At this time, we do not know at all the effects of this accident. My parents are at the hospital at his bedside waiting for needs to arise and making sure that he gets good care and gets whatever neurological tests done that need to be done.

I am praying that he will be okay and that this will be a wake up call for him to be more careful. Life is dangerous Jack- and you cannot avoid accidents. But you can set yourself up in situations where the odds are stacked in your favor, where the odds are that you will not say afterward, I wish I had...

I love you so much this day and am agonizing about missing even a moment with you as I head back to work-