unprepared

hello baby--

I have one week until my next appointment to see you. This next one is a very important appointment because it is the "turning point" type of appointment. Dr. Hashad said that this next week I reach the point where my chances of you being born healthy increase by alot. I guess that is about all I can think about now, as the week before any of these appointments I have become obsessed with wondering whether or not the doctor is going to say that you are still there- almost like you could disappear and I could wake up from this dream and be back at the beginning again.

I guess the other thing on my mind that I want you to know is that I have not been reading all of the baby books I have. I could be reading so much more about what you are going to need and how I can handle you, what not to do, etc. But instead, I am sitting here watching the movie elf and paying bills and thinking about how I still don't feel good.

I feel really selfish for not reading these books every spare minute that I have. I wonder how much will happen that I will think to myself- this is my fault for not reading more. I guess I am having an off day but I decided it would be dishonest to not share this with you too. I need to do more to get ready for your arrival than daydreaming about your love for baseball or what your face will look like.

Next week's entry will hopefully energize me that you are going to be fine and that God's plan is for you to be in our life and that it is time to start reading and learning and planning instead of just thinking and resting.

So please- sleep well and give me a shove in the belly. I will be thinking of you this Thursday when your dad performs in the Christmas show at Saddleback Church.