the incredible spreadable mum!!!!

I have thought of a lot of possible book titles over the years. In fact- I dream of writing books for a living. I think that I have seen alot of things that other people would find interesting and I think that I have thought alot of things that I would want to share whether others want to read about them or not. But this past week- I came upon THE INCREDIBLE SPREADABLE MUM by accident and through pain.

I have been feeling so spread out and thinly spread in some areas that the other night, I just broke down and cried. Now- crying for me at 31 weeks pregnant- and really in general if I am being honest-- is not all that shocking. It's just that usually, I get choked up from a situation at work that touches me, or a sentimental commercial or something that Jack does or just from too long without a snack.

But lately- I just feel like instead of being able to grow and give in all the areas where I want to and to the level that I want to- instead I am giving not enough in all areas. I know that I am expecting alot from myself. I want to have:
- a rich relationship with God, studying the Bible at least a little everyday and with genuine prayer everyday
- a great marriage that is growing measurably
-a healthy body for growing baby Charlie- a HUGE job that makes me exhausted
-enough time with Jack to feel like I am actually a mom instead of a 1 hour per day stand in person- to feel that I know him and he knows me
-enough time to give to my Aunt Lori during chemotherapy for breast cancer things that she has not even asked
-enough time to help my friend Aliah through a divorce
-enough time to cultivate friendships with people who are not in crisis
-enough time to work on hobbies like scrapbooks for my sons, blankets, something new
-enough time to watch a few stupid TV shows
-enough time to sleep 8 hours every night
-enough time to not stress about my workload at work
- the energy to do things around the house
-the time to write these books I talk about while researching other job possibilities for the future while looking for a master's degree program while helping dad with his career path while reading books for leisure, while etc etc etc.

I think you get the point- how can a woman in my situation NOT be spread thin! That's why I get so mad when your dad tells me something that somebody posted on facebook that they had found on youtube that someone did at their house in who knows where--- I feel like screaming out- " why am I the only one trying to get all this other stuff done!!!!"

Now- this isn't fair for me to point to other people and think they are worrying about how to juggle all this other stuff because the truth is- they're not. But- I really am. I want to be the incredible spreadable mum. I want to learn to be present with all the people in my life and yet still find time to care about all the other things that God cares about (including me).

I wrote this title down because I hope not to forget it- but this is not a book I'll be starting to write soon- because I think it sounds like a book of encouragement to help mums figure out how to be this way. And I have not got it figured out at all.

Sleep tight little boys. One of you is 25 pounds and making sounds to himself in bed right now. The other is about 4 pounds and shoving his foot down onto my bladder- causing this entry to be over. Love you so much. You make this lifelong struggle worth it and take an easy shot to the top of this "list" for as long as I'm alive. BUT- not before God and not before your dad. That is the way it's supposed to be.