horrible moment

Hi-

Last night was the worst feeling I think I have ever had. I was getting up out of the rocking chair after an hour and a half of holding you on my chest while I napped and you napped. As I was sliding to the end of the chair, the front of the chair tipped forward. I started falling forward. My toe got caught on the hem of my pants, then I fell a little more forward. Somehow, my arm extended out to my side, a couple of inches above the ground- and I let you go. You fell on the linoleum and rolled a little. In a split second, I screamed a cuss word, scooped you back up and started to check for injuries. I will never, ever as long as I live- forget what it felt like to see your body, not in my arms. I truly believe that I will never be the same. I started to cry hysterically and called your dad. He was almost home and you calmed down as I paced around. We called our doctor's office and they suggested that because of your age, we should go to the urgent care and get you checked. I cried and cried to the point that I was hyperventilating. I have to tell you Jack- I am feeling really not confident about my ability to be your mom. All the hope that I had over the last several months, all the confidence and excitement seems like it has been knocked out of my sails after two days of being alone with you. When you cry, I don't always know what you need. I know it is not realistic for me to already know how to do everything- but I just feel like I am not good enough. I am writing this very painful fact down in order that someday, you will hopefully say, that I was good enough.

This week, was tough enotionally as well. I just felt like crying all day. I am sure that this has to do with the hormones that are still readjusting in my body and that every day will start to be better. But last night, at the urgent care- I felt like God had actually made His first mistake and that I am not good enough for you. I need God's healing on this and I have the right people around me and the right tools. I just have to choose today that when you cry- I can be there for you and try to fix your need and that every day I will get better at this.

For the final time- I am so sorry that I dropped you. I can only hope that the reflex of doing that was the correct reaction and that I would have fallen on you had I not let you go. Or that it was an accident that I will never forget but that you are at least okay. I thank God that you are okay and that your dad tried to make me feel better even though I was beating myself up very strongly.

Right now, your dad has you asleep on his chest enjoying a Saturday morning snooze. I am sure I will make so many more mistakes that it is ridiculous- but I want to always tell you when I can about my mistake. Even though I am in charge, I want you to know, that I will make alot of mistakes.