Happy 4th birthday to my son Jack. Four years ago right now, I was sitting in my hospital bed, with weird contraptions on my legs to bring back circulation, learning how to breastfeed through tears and thanking God for the miracle of you. Your skin, your eyes and toes and fingers were real after the long wait. 4 years already. I still desperately love you and can't remember what it really felt like before we met. And now, 4 years later, I sit in my room with my legs falling asleep from the laptop on them, just finished crying over you ending your birthday with a tantrum and thanking God that tomorrow morning, I'll get another chance to soak in your skin and teach you how to obey and show love. I was looking forward to writing you about your birthday after you went to sleep tonight and then the night ended with tears. So, I thought I wouldn't write. But then I remembered this is supposed to be about my mumlessons. Which means I should not just share when things are good or easy.
As my mom says, backing up.
A week ago, we had your birthday party at a train park where we can ride on trains operated by a train club in Costa Mesa. ocmetrains.org. We had twelve kids there! Your friends all got train whistles that toot obnoxiously. Noni and Mimi were there, Gramma and Papa, Mackenzie, Madison, Tailor ( about to turn 16!) and Uncle Mike. ALL my cousins-- Lindsey, Hailey, Lauren and Sandra. Your party stressed me out in advance because we certainly have a lot going on and yet I wanted to have a perfect little kids party for you. Wanted you to have fun, be polite with your friends, have a little cake and pbj's in the shape of trains. I am such a rookie to keep expecting myself to be perfect. Anyway-- it actually was perfect just the way it was. On your first trip on the train, Noni said that you squealed, "we're really doing this!" On the second trip on the train with me, you leaned into me and our cheeks were together as the train chugged along and there was a bright blue sky and light breeze. Not joking-- it was the perfect day.
This whole week we continued to celebrate with Gramma and Papa staying with us and getting to have them see your personalities in your own environment. Sometimes that means spontaneously giving each other a hug and sometimes that means hauling off and hitting each other. Just today, your dad sent me an email that said Jack had accidentally hit Charlie in the head, so Charlie, you got up and turned Jack's body with your hands ( you are very forceful nowadays for a two year old) and you said, "turn around and tell me sorry!"
Today was your actual birthday. I had to work all day and things at Casa de Amma were... normal. I came home exhausted but so excited to see your faces. You were out front jumping up and down when I drove up and shouting, " hi mama! hi mama!" I just know that is so temporary so it's delicious beyond belief. We packed up and went to the train station park and we watched you run in circles and climb and laugh and try to play with other kids and it was wonderful. The sun was low in the sky and the weather was perfect again as we walked hand in hand over to Ruby's, your favorite restaurant. We ordered Mac and Cheeses, they sang happy birthday and your buried your head in my shoulder. But then, as they walked away, you looked up and smiled. You very slowly ate your sundae-- taking your time with every bite-- exactly like your dad. We laughed at how you do it just like him and Charlie was on my other side ploughing through the sundae we ordered for the rest of us.
On the way home, your dad was doing one of his renditions of a popular song and he asked you Jack if he is a good singer. You did not even consider it before saying, "no." I had a good laugh about that and I thought that getting home would include a snuggle trek to bed. Instead, you refused to stand on your feet to walk in the house, then had a meltdown of screaming, crying and kicking that lasted over 30 minutes. I lost my patience at one point and then I was crying.
The mumlessons you teach me NEVER stop- I experience such an abundance of love, frustration, joy, impatience all mixed up together. As a working mom, who'd prefer not to be, it's a constant struggle. You ( J) are resisting potty training. You currently use the potty successfully at your own whim. You ( C) are strong willed already to the point of crossing your arms and making a stink face at us if we ask you to do something you don't particularly want to do. Sometimes followed up by throwing some item that may or may not involve food, across the room. Discipline at the point is very hard, because consistency eludes us. You are so often shuffled between the people who love you, you both currently have figured out, if you cry for long enough and hard enough, the person with you, eventually HAS to move on. Tonight, I decided to stand my ground on your disobedience and it cost me the ending memory from your birthday. I wanted to snuggle with you and read a book. Instead I kissed your forehead with tears in my eyes.
I tell you this, because it's true. This is a tough season of life. We are hoping to mold you into men of discipline and obedience-- not out of fear but out of gratefulness for all that God has done. Men who give to create peace not because they are forced. Men who are kind because it's a better way to live. This starts NOW! Your dad and I love you so much-- we are working so hard and talk about how to guide you in discipline daily. Even when we are exhausted, we make your character our priority. I SO very strongly pray that we succeed and that you make your character a priority too!!!!
Good night to my 4 year old son who works out a puzzle carefully and quietly. And to my 2 year old son who has completely scab covered knees and can use a bat to hit a ball off a tee and set it back up for himself and repeat.
Time is flying but I am soaking in as much as possible!
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