just a year ago...

There are so many things I want to share tonight about our life, about the last few weeks and I will do so- hopefully a little at a time over the next few days. But tonight before I go to bed, I just wanted to remember the feelings I had just a year ago tonight. I wrote a note on my blog to both of you, I stared down at my gigantic belly, I lay there mourning every last little thing that I did with Jack for his night time routine thinking, "this will be the last time that you are my only baby, etc" I was feeling so excited to fall in love with my Charlie and not really the list bit worried about things turning out smoothly. How completely and outrageously blessed we have been. I just put you both to bed an hour ago. Jack in your toddler bed and Charlie in your crib. I was trying to savor the moment and so I held Charlie a bit and we sat at the edge of your bed Jack. You sat there at the edge with us. I held one in my arms and had my arm around the other. Charlie you made a smiling and cooing face at Jack and he sleepily did it back to you. I could just barely make out your delicious eyelashes in the dark as your eyes blinked very heavily. I could have stayed there forever in that moment. And that happens a lot. Your dad and I are enjoying every minute.

So, I'll spare you some of the details that I really want to share and just tell you this Charlie-- what a year. One year is such a short span of time but what change has happened in you-- you are now walking (started on January 6th) you have a third and fourth tooth coming in on top (not two front ones-- you will look like a vampire soon) and you can climb up on just about anything you see- in a minute or less. Then, you usually look back at us as we approach you to take you down- and you smile your charming Charlie smile and shake your head slowly back and forth and say, "no no, no no."

I am completely charmed and in love.

Tomorrow, I achieve a very personal and life changing victory of my own. When you turn 1 year old tomorrow-- I will have succeeded at each of you receiving breast milk only (as in no formula) for the entire first year of your life. In order to work full time and accomplish this feat, two things have been true. 1- God blessed me with this gift of milk production so that 2- I sacrificed every single break time at work, my time first thing every day waking up, last thing every night before bed, time during the day, the effort of drinking more water than I really wanted in order to be properly hydrated for milk production, not having the ability to take medications that I needed to take so that they did not go into your system and countless other times that instead of sleep, laziness or comfort, I persevered for you.

I am so blessed to have been ale to do this and feel a sense of pride that is not separate from the fact that God allowed it to be so and gave me the will to not give up when it would have been easier to do so. I hope that your bodies reap a lifetime benefit from it as well as the knowledge that we shared a closeness that I will forever remember and forever miss.

I am going to go now-- only because you are both crying after waking each other up. Now your dad and I have to get you back to bed. More tomorrow birthday boy and big brother!