The change in point of view that happens when you become a parent is that the needs of the child or children come before what you want. This change doesn't just happen once and it certainly isn't adjusted to immediately. Sort of like becoming a Christ follower and still having my old worldly nature following me wherever I go, I still have the old -non-mom nature following me around too. Yesterday, Charlie and I were supposed to fly to Milwaukee for a vacation together to meet baby Margaux. A few days before we were set to leave, Charlie's eyes looked a little puffy and I ignored it. Then, you were fussy all night Charlie and I was thinking it had to do with your tummy. Then, some green boogers. But they weren't all green... Then, Jack looked up at me and had snot running out of his nostrils. I'm still thinking, " no, we have plane tickets. We are going to Milwaukee." Then my throat gets irritated, my nose is running and my head hurts. I just wasn't willing to consider that something would stop me from going on vacation. Then right when I had heard a few pieces of wise counsel and asked God what I was supposed to do, Charlie- you threw up all over yourself and then sneezed two huge tubes of bright green phlegm out of your nostrils. Sometimes God does not answer prayers this quickly. But I think He could tell that I was struggling with doing what is best for the two of you and what I wanted to do for me. Then, that night later when you were both totally uncomfortable and very clearly sick and so was I, I was genuinely annoyed with having to help you instead of just taking care of myself and sleeping. That's what I'm talking about. The amount that I love you and think about you is not in question. The amount that I have worked to serve your needs has been all encompassing for the last 2 1/2 years. Yet- I found myself thinking of myself and bummed out. The lesson is this--- learning to become selfless for others you love and even those you don't love- is a daily goal. You don't ever just master it and then never try to go back to your selfish ways. Just like being a Christian, you don't decide there is a God who loves and deserves for us to live in harmony with others to imitate His kind of love and then never have to work at it again.
I am so sad that we are not in Milwaukee right now for me to see my brother be a daddy to his new daughter. But, at the end of the day, my brother is learning the same lesson I am- our job as parents is that your needs come before our wants. Your needs come before what we would have just shrugged off before kids and new little immune systems. Meeting your needs at crucial times is what defines my strength as a mom, my commitment. I will keep having to learn this lesson over and over because of how long I lived without you, but it will get easier. It doesn't mean I love you less because it doesn't come automatically. That's what I have to remind myself of.
Last night, Jack had a fever, Charlie still snot everywhere with puffy red eyes and I felt horrible. So glad we didn't go to Milwaukee yesterday.
Not to be ignored, today is September 11, 2011--- 10 years after the terror attacks in New York City. Such a complicated thing to discuss here after talking about trivial daily things such as snot. But I do want to mention that what I have taken away from the memory of September 11th is the same as all disasters. This is a broken world. It is not going to become UN-broken. All people are incredibly broken. God is the only right thing that we have access to but He is our choice. He loves us enough to not force us to love Him, as that would be the opposite of real love- which He is. So, yes, this is a day to remember a very sad day because of those that lost people they loved to live life with, because we were all exposed to the fearful feeling that the brokenness of this world was going to take from us- from our personal space. And for that, I remember that sadness and try to remember that love today should come a little easier, I should be careful not to spend an entire day grumpy because it could be my last. Careful not to be grumpy about America, because we have had it very good. Careful not to complain about discomfort because I have not really experienced it.
I love you boys-
No comments:
Post a Comment